How Not to Die Down Under

Keep Calm and Carry On in the Face of Feral Fauna

Jun 06, 2024

I'd estimate it was 10, maybe 20 feet long—the size of the snake on my doorstep.

Look, I'm rubbish with numbers, but trust me, it was big. As the venomous creature swayed from side to side, I realised I had to move fast if I was going to make it to the beach for a surf before sunrise. So after wrestling it with my bare hands, I hurled the snake over the side of the fence, where it landed unceremoniously with a thump. With no time to waste, I approached my car, pausing to notice a spider the size of a small child blocking my path. Reaching for a stick, I catapulted it into the air. Within seconds, it landed with a thud, right on top of the snake.

Throwing my cork hat and surfboard into the car, I drove swiftly (adhering to the speed limit, as all Aussies do) until I reached the Gold Coast—where a helpful fella playing a didgeridoo, warned me that a shark the size of a great white had chewed on a couple of fellow surfers that morning. I thanked him for the heads-up, replying, "No worries, mate," and continued to pull on my wetsuit, slathering my face in sunblock before paddling out to catch a wave. It’s gonna be a ripper of a day.

**Disclaimer ** None of the above is true. Including the bit about Aussie drivers.

But if you’ve never visited the country, you’d be forgiven for assuming otherwise. I admit I was naïve to its charms until 8 years ago, when I moved here from London. Back then, growing up, the only sightings I had of the place were on the tellybox. Judith Chalmers occasionally wished we were there, and every Christmas the BBC would, without fail, report on the Aussies living it up on Bondi Beach.

Sure it looked great, but I couldn’t help thinking, it’s just soooo far away. And from what I’d heard, every creature there wants to kill you. It’s hot all the time; doesn’t that get a bit…much? Aren’t the people perennially cheerful? Again, I refer to my previous concern. Also, I’m not that keen on barbecued food, preferring my sausages cooked. But saying that, kangaroos are playful sweet things, aren’t they? And I hear they have wonderful road sense.

Well, after several years living in this glorious country, I feel I can set the record straight, and in doing so, debunk a few myths about Australia. You won’t read these in any travel guides, but for those of you unfamiliar with the place, it might give you an insight into what to really expect if you visit my particular part of the world, South East Queensland. As for you Aussies, well, I’m sure you can add to my list….

Deadly Creatures

Magpies - Menacing

Admit it, you were expecting something altogether leggier, scalier, and toothier, but I’m here to tell you that the humble magpie is feared by pedestrians, joggers, and cyclists alike. During breeding season, magpies fiercely defend their nests, chicks, and surrounding areas. Don’t be fooled in thinking you are ambling along at a respectful distance, because before you know it, the male adults will whoosh above your head resembling something from a Hitchcock film, often nipping and drawing blood. These birds are so feared that there are actual websites encouraging people to record attacks, in a bid to warn others of problem areas.

Advice: Abandon all fashion sense and wear a magpie helmet when cycling (see below)

Snakes – Tricky

During my first year living down under, I was so afraid of snakes that I would religiously check the washing machine before putting on a load, and always hover in grim anticipation over the toilet seat. However, I soon learned that unless you were extremely unlucky, or a bit lax with leaving doors and windows open, the wildlife was happy to stay outside. With one exception—my nemesis, the cockroach. But more of that later.

My first encounter with a snake was of the brown variety. Sounds unexceptional, eh? If, like me, you assume the colourful snakes were the ones to fear, you’d be wrong. Browns are the bad boys. If they were human, they’d be the pissed-up loudmouth at the bar who is always up for a fight. You’ve no doubt been told that the thing you’re most frightened of is more scared of you, but that doesn’t apply to the brown snake. These fellas seek you out, as they did me one day while I was idly reading on a friend’s deck with her little dog. The pooch and I managed to run inside to safety, but not before I heard the snake scuttling, hot on my heels. You read that right. They may not have legs, but they sure know how to move.

Since my baptism of fire, I can honestly say that I’ve only really seen pythons, and although they are a menace around chickens and small pets, they’re mostly chilled, non-venomous dudes. In fact people like having them live in their lofts to deter rats. Personally, I couldn’t think of anything worse than finding a snake nestled amongst the tinsel in a box marked “Christmas Decorations”

Advice: Keep your wits about you when in undergrowth and never pull at anything resembling a rope.

Sharks – Much Maligned

In 1975, Steven Spielberg directed the magnificent movie, Jaws, in which the shark was depicted as a cunning, vindictive creature. However, in reality, the vast majority of unprovoked attacks are identified as test bites, which occur when a shark misidentifies a human for their preferred prey, such as a seal. When this happens, the shark will typically swim away after a single bite, but of course there are exceptions to the rule. When I first dipped my toes into the sea off the Gold Coast, I was surprised by how many swimmers and surfers ventured beyond the lifeguard-manned areas. They follow the hard and fast rule of avoiding the water during peak shark activity—dawn, dusk, and night—but Aussies have a pragmatic approach to life and aren't easily spooked. I, on the other hand, have an active imagination coupled with a healthy dose of cynicism and consider anything other than a paddle in the sea to be an act of total insanity. I mean, you’ve seen Jaws, right?

Spiders – Anger Issues

Not content with having 6 legs more than a human, the spiders in Queensland range from the harmless to the psychotic. Your typical Huntsman, with a leg span of approximately 15cm, is non-venomous, but terrifyingly big, and the buggers move fast. Added to which, the Mr Magoos of the arachnid world have bad eyesight, so will often accidentally run towards humans rather than away when frightened. In contrast, the Funnel-web spider can average 5cm in body length. These fellas are known for their foul temper and mighty fangs that pierce through fingers and toenails… Funnel-web bites are extremely toxic and can cause the human nervous system to shut down, resulting in death within 15 minutes flat. Luckily, the anti-venom was discovered in 1981, after which fatalities haven’t been recorded, but if you live in a rural area, miles from anywhere, and it’s a bank holiday weekend, you aren’t going to want to spend the last quarter hour of your life trying to find an out-of-hours doctor.

It's standard practice now for Facebook to be utilised by residents wishing to maintain a sense of community. They do this where I live, by posting pictures of lost dogs and writing passive-aggressive posts, usually aimed at “…the person in the white Honda-Civic tailgating me down the mountain…” But you will also find the occasional picture of a spider in a house, alongside a request for identification. Nine times out of ten, they are declared harmless. However, on one occasion, a photo of what appeared to be a venomous spider was spotted in a house near a baby. Ensuing comments were predictably divisive. The sane contingent urged caution and offered tips for removal. The jokesters, wanting to lighten the mood perhaps, posted pictures of garden spades and burning houses, but several individuals are keen to make clear that the spider is a beautiful creature, demanding it be left alone, made comfortable, and given the password to the host’s Wi-Fi.

Whereas I by no means believe that battering a senseless creature to death should be encouraged, I reckon the threat to life should allow for “whatever means necessary.”

**Side note** I feel it my duty to warn you about cockroaches. Known for their indestructible nature (it is famously said that they would be the only living thing to survive a nuclear fallout), did you also know that they can run up to 3 miles an hour, hold their breath for 40 minutes, and live without their heads for up to a week? Delightful. My personal experience is having one decide to take residence in my ear canal one night, which resulted in a chaotic drive to the nearest hospital and a very painful eviction process by the ENT, 8 hours later.

Advice: Always wear protective clothing when gardening and earplugs when sleeping.

If you do happen to travel further afield than South East Qld, there are a myriad of wonderfully exotic/deadly creatures to behold elsewhere. The INVISIBLE box jellyfish roaming the waters of the Northern Territory are the bouncers of the ocean and uphold a deadly door policy. And in Port Douglas, my husband and I had a jolly time nervously watching out for passing crocodiles while sat on a beautiful beach. I should also make clear that although kangaroos are magnificent creatures, a true sight to behold, you would be very foolish to allow your dog off lead anywhere near one, especially if they happen to be in the water. Skippy could floor the likes of Mike Tyson and won’t hesitate to drown your mutt, if under threat.

Advice: There are a lot of tall tales when it comes to our fantastical fauna, so I recommend you heed warnings, respect the wildlife, and no matter how cute it looks, don’t pet a dingo.

The Weather - Extremes

It gets cold. Like brass monkeys. And when you mention this to a fellow Australian, they will always utter these immortal words: “You should be used to it, being from England.” However, if you live in Blighty, chances are your house is made of brick and you have the delightful invention which heats rooms at the click of a switch. If you live my way, however, most houses are built of wood, and we tend to rely on log burners - the idea of which is terribly romantic, but the reality is, during the winter months when you wake in the mornings, your feet will resemble blocks of ice and you’ll be able to make shapes in the air with your own breath. It’ll be tempting to stay in bed and cry, but it’s best to start the fire as soon as you can, giving yourself 20 minutes to coax the flame, and 5 minutes spent shouting at whoever was meant to keep an eye on it when it inevitably dies out.

I’m not looking for pity because, for 8-9 months of the year, we get it good. But what goes up must come down, and here in Australia, we are always prepared for extremes - whether it be the dangerous bush fire season, floods, or tornado winds, like the devastating storm we had here on Tamborine Mountain last Christmas, which left us without power for 2 weeks.

Even though there is no medical evidence to back it up, I like to perpetuate the myth that a person’s blood thins after moving to a warmer climate, because I believe it to be true. It’s the hill I will die on – no doubt after freezing to death.

Advice: Wear layers and invest in bedsocks.

The People – Jolly Maniacs

Australians are renowned for their laid-back nature, sense of humour, sport, and the great outdoors. I’d agree with that. It’s true they love a BBQ, more often than not, while camping. To the uninitiated, sleeping under the stars is a pastime whereby you announce to the family that instead of going on some fancy pants holiday to one of those overrated hotels with clean sheets on the bed, room service at the end of the phone, and a hot water bath, you will instead load the car up with stale sleeping bags, tents, cooking paraphernalia, and enough food to feed a third world country. After which you will head several miles to a site, set up camp, and start the fire before sunset, upon which you will cook on the open flame, shout at the person who forgot the cups and plates, then hit the grog, before falling asleep, but not before asphyxiating yourself with the smell of mosquito repellent. You will usually wake at the break of dawn because you are surrounded by other people. If you need the toilet, you might want to queue at the public facilities, or ask your husband to hold a towel to shield you while you squat, but not before bidding farewell to the final hint of mystery in your relationship. The following days will be spent doing outdoorsy stuff, while pretending you love the freedom of being miles away from the nearest phone signal. Your nails will eventually turn black, and you’ll struggle to recall a time when you didn’t drink tea out of a baked bean can. Upon returning to civilization, you will smell smoke for days after, and the washing machine will scream for mercy under the weight of dirty clothes. Someone will promise to restock the camp kitchen supplies, until next time…

I’m not sure if you can guess where I stand on the pastime, but as for the Aussies, they LOVE it.

I must also point out that Australians are extremely welcoming, animal lovers, and, quite rightly, proud of their country. In fact, the only time you’ll see them at their worst is behind the wheel of a car. If you dare drive less than 1 km under the speed limit, they will morph into the incredible hulk on steroids. Patience is not a virtue for your average driver here, which is completely at odds with their laid-back personas. I can only put it down to the fact that they’ve rarely suffered at the hands of the city in gridlock, or enjoyed the delights of the M25 during rush hour. Aussies are generally spoiled with miles and miles of open roads, and the freedom that comes with it, so why wouldn’t they lose their rag when forced to sit behind a driver doing 99km in a 100km zone?!

Advice: Claim a fatal allergy to tent fabric, and sign up to a Facebook community site, where you can spend your days posting passive-aggressive rants about tailgaters.

I hope I’ve not put you off visiting Australia. There's never a dull moment down under. But that's what makes this place so special—it's a wild, wonderful, and slightly crazy adventure that you just can't help but fall in love with. The people are fair dinkum, the weather, unusual, and as for the creatures, well, they were here before us… So as long as you adhere to my helpful advice, and never go swimming with kangaroos, you’ll be fine (ish) 🤞