Advice You Didn't Ask For (But Secretly Need)

The Knowledge

In the weeks before I left Australia for an extended stay in the UK, I found myself writing a manual for my stepson, who would be holding the fort in our absence. A practical survival guide for a young man suddenly left in charge of a house, which included pearls of wisdom like ‘The machine with the round glass door is what washes your clothes’ and ‘The correct amount of pasta to cook is always less than you think.’

Of course, my stepson took this manual with the exact level of reverence you’d expect from an 18-year-old, which is to say, it’s currently doubling as a door stop…But it got me thinking about the wisdom we acquire through life.

There are the official rules of thumb - the ones we learn at school or inherit from well-meaning adults: neat, sensible paths we’re told to follow. But the really important stuff? You only pick that up by taking wrong turns and figuring things out as you go. Like London cabbies mastering The Knowledge, we’re building our own internal satnav through trial and error.

Sure, most of us agree on the basics - good manners, social etiquette, a bit of decorum. You and I both know that playing music or videos out loud on your phone in public should be a hanging offence. But I’m not here to dish out the obvious stuff, the kind of bite-sized wisdom you find in a meme or one of those tickety-tocks.

No, these are the lessons I’ve learnt along the way. Some serious, others less so. Come, let me take you on a tour of my mind…

• In Australia, the phrase ‘she’ll be right’ is both comfort and warning.

• When shopping, don’t let a banger of a tune played over the speakers influence you into buying an item of clothing. I have, more than once, been swayed into purchasing pointless sh*t because of…The Blow Monkeys.

• Just because someone’s smiling doesn’t mean they’re not mugging you. I’ve never been much good at the old passive-aggressive back-and-forth. Other people, though, have it down to an art - particularly, I’m sorry to say, women. The lightning-fast insult, all dolled up in a fur coat of sweetness and light, usually leaves me momentarily baffled, scrambling for a comeback that only ever arrives much too late - and much too furious.

• Don’t buy perfume or aftershave out of a suitcase. I know the days of Del Boy flogging ‘hooky’ gear are mostly behind us, but as a poor student, I naively assumed the greenish liquid on sale matched what it said on the label. These days, the risks are far more serious, as we saw in Salisbury…But back then, a cheap knock-off bottle of Issey Miyake left me (and no doubt others too) with a furious, tell-tale rash that lingered for days.

  

• If you have to ask if it’s your round, it’s your round. That is, when you’re bought a drink, buy one back. And don’t wait until your glass is empty…

• Stop to pet any cat you see (you can get a tetanus later) but always ask before petting a dog.

• Be useful. Sometimes the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself helping others.

• Own your choices. It sounds simple, but it’s not always easy. Sure, life shapes us - upbringing, circumstances, all that nature and nurture stuff - but if we’re lucky enough to have freedom, then we have agency. We get to choose our path. I’ve made some good calls, some questionable ones, but I hope I’ve owned them. Some people will resent your life. They see the outcome, but not the cost. They see the liberty, but not the work it took to get here. Maybe what they really resent is the weight of their own choices.

• Buying an avocado is a game you will lose.

  

• People who describe themselves as ‘a bit of a character’ rarely are. See also, people who choose their own nicknames.

• If you borrow a car, top up the fuel. Basic manners, innit?

• If you feel like you’re constantly making excuses for someone, you probably shouldn’t be.

• Never trust a man with two phones.

• If someone says “it’s a short drive” in Australia, that could mean anything up to three hours.

• You don’t have to ‘Be Kind.’ It’s a mantra that’s been bandied about a lot in recent years. And while, in theory, it’s all rather lovely, in practice I think that it’s flawed. Mostly because I’m a great believer in trusting your gut, and worry that in situations where someone (particularly a young woman on public transport) feels uneasy or under threat, the pressure to be kind now overrides instinct. She may feel obliged to return a smile or stay put when someone sits too close, for fear of being seen as prejudiced, or impolite. Mutual respect is a good thing, but kindness without discernment can be weaponised and leave people vulnerable to manipulation. There’s also the uncomfortable fact that some people hide behind the demand for kindness to shut down valid criticism. Be Kind quickly becomes a blunt instrument used to silence hard truths. Kindness matters, but not at the expense of your own safety, your boundaries, or your integrity. Sometimes doing the right thing won’t look like kindness to everyone. That’s something, I feel, we should all learn to live with.

  

• If someone calls you “mate” during an argument in Australia, you are approximately five seconds from being punched or hugged. Could go either way.

• Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. It’s not just advice for airline emergencies - it’s a reminder that in a one-sided relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, you’re losing valuable oxygen in a bid to breathe life into someone who is unwilling to return the favour.

• Walking behind someone slowly is a test of patience you will fail.

• Bring a plate. When I first moved to Australia, the neighbours invited us over and told us to “bring a plate.” I was completely baffled. Were they short on crockery? My husband explained that in Australia, it’s tradition to bring a dish - something you’ve cooked or baked - along with your own drinks. The Irish have a similar saying: “Don’t come with your arms hanging,” meaning don’t turn up to someone’s house empty-handed. I’ve always agreed with that sentiment, but I was still thrown by the idea of having to cook for the occasion. Isn’t the whole point of being a guest that you get fed and watered? But over the years, I realised it’s not really about food - it’s about bringing something of yourself. If everyone shows up with something to offer, everyone benefits, and no-one’s left quietly seething when their expensive wine is whisked away and replaced with a warm, ropey bottle of Blue Nun.

I don’t profess to be the font of all wisdom - despite my husband’s generous claim that I’m right 80% of the time. And you may disagree with me…But you’d be wrong.

However, after 52 years on this planet, I’ve gathered enough life lessons to know this: some advice you follow, some you ignore, and some you tuck away until you realise - usually too late - that the daft lady from Pigeon Post might have had a point after all. Especially about avocados.

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